Where Oh Where to Begin

I guess I'll start with today, November 30th. It's not the best place to start because so much has happened, but I'm not exactly sure how to go back and start from the beginning. The beginning for me would be June 26th. The day I found out my husband had been having an affair and wanted to leave me and the girls. I thought that day was the worst day of my life. I have discovered since then that it could get even worse than that day.

Today me and the girls are living in our house, but without my husband and their Daddy. He moved into an apartment 2 days ago after I found out that he took his girlfriend to breakfast instead of taking his client like he told me he was doing. A friend of mine saw them. It was the last straw. I don't know really why it was the last straw for me. I guess because up until then I never really knew when they were together. I know they sneak away together during work hours since they work for the same company, but I never really knew exactly when...at least within 2 hours of when it happened. I guess the straw broke because he filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago and was still living here letting me take care of things, cook him breakfast, cook his dinner, pack him lunches, wash and fold his clothes, unpack his suitcase when he came back from a business trip, etc. I guess I got to the point where it just didn't seem fair anymore.

Did I want him to go? Well, that's a tough one. I wanted him to leave because he hurts me so bad with his affair and the lies that go with it. I felt maybe it was the right thing to do because he was not faithful to me and he is my "husband". I guess that part is just hard to explain. I wanted him to leave for so many reasons, but did I really want him to leave. No. Why? Because I love him. It sounds so hard for some people to understand, but you never know what you'll do when you get put in a situation. You think you do, but you don't. I am proof of that. I NEVER knew that I had this much fight in me for my marriage. Yes, I struggle daily with all of this...inner struggles. I hate him, I love him, I'm desperate for him, he makes me so mad, he makes me want to scream, I am so lonely without him, I deserve more than this, I deserve to be with someone who wouldn't do this to me, I don't deserve to be divorced, ugh...why do I still love him?

I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of being without him. It's not fear...it's a broken heart. The affair doesn't hurt near as bad as the fact that he just gave up on me. That part hurts so bad. How can he go his whole day and not call me? How can he go to bed at night and not call to say goodnight? Why did he kiss me last night when I came to pick up the girls from his apartment? What did that kiss mean? Why can't I give up on him? When am I going to quit trying to find ways to make him change his mind?

Do I believe once a cheater always a cheater? I guess I don't. If I did then I wouldn't be willing to give this another chance.

Is this marriage falling apart all his fault? Nope. There are things that I did, but I'll get into that in another post. However, I would have NEVER given up. I would have never walked away. I'm not sure that I would have put my finger on what was wrong if this had not have happened because disecting what was wrong was a very long process for me. I'm not sure I would have been willing to be completely open with him about what was wrong in my opinion. I don't like confrontation and especially don't like it with him...he has a way of intimidating me...oh, and he's pretty manipulative, too. I don't feel like this is a statement that would shock him...I have a feeling he knows.

So, I feel like I could go on and on in this post and explain and document so much about the last 5 months...but I'm worn out and need to go to bed so I have the energy to face life without my husband tomorrow. Goodnight.